I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
