i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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