a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
