I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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