That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
