I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
