Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
