My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
