why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
