Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
