i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
