would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
