i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
