Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
