The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
