in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
They are going to name an STD after you.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
