There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
