apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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