If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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