I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have post one night stand depression
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
