That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
