It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
