Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
