It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
