I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
