Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
