I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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