I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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