During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
