Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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