life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
