I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
