I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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