TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
