Where is the hickey?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
