Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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