I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
