You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
