remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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