Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
