Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
