I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
