sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
