Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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