dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
