i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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