he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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