Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
