I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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