Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my liver is dry heaving
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
